Sometimes it feels a little like this pregnancy is killing me, which is very dramatic, but oh, well. A few weekends ago I got to experience my very first hospital stay, for example, and now I am on medication and getting monitored all the time and more worries keep popping up. It's been a bit weird suddenly having health problems this pregnancy, because I am used to being categorized as normal and healthy. I really miss those five minute long midwife appointments where everything looked good and I was sent away happy. Of course, I'm glad they catch health problems now and I can get treatment and know that the baby is growing well, but it still makes me feel a bit like failure, to need medication and hospital stays and extra appointments and talk about induction and hopefully you can make to at least 37 weeks. Pregnancy is a bit isolating, anyway, because the person who is going through it with you doesn't really understand it at all, and sometimes you feel jealous that he can have a baby without getting fat and the hundreds of other pregnancy complications there are.
Being at the hospital was horrible, too, because you are surrounded by other women who are having difficult pregnancies, and so you worry about the woman going into labour at 24 weeks or the one on an IV because she cannot take even one bite of biscuit without throwing up which makes her cry all night and you just want to be declared healthy and allowed to go home. Yesterday, I spent from 9-4 at my day unit after what was supposed to be a quick check turned into more possible complications and lots and lots of waiting for doctors to appear. (Most of it was waiting, actually. And people telling me to relax, like sitting on an uncomfortable waiting room chair for 5 hours was helping with that.)
Yesterday I was ready to declare that I was not sure I could ever do this again, but now I am feeling a bit better, and maybe I can. Today we focused on happy baby things, like putting together a list for the hospital (at which Sam declared, I will think of all these things at the time!) and buying our first package of diapers. It's starting to feel slightly more like there might be an actual baby around here sometime, and I really can't wait.